You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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