i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
