I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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