ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
