in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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