i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
