He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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