It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
