Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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