why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
