Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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