shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
