I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
