I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
