I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
