Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
you inspire me to be a worse person
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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