I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
