please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
