Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
