seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
