i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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