My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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