Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
