2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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