over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
