She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
