i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
