I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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