New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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