Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
