we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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