We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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