dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
