You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
