1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
