He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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