Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
