Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
