did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
