He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Life without a bra equals bliss.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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