I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
