6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
