Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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