At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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