Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
