life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
