I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i permit you to call me
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
