Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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