The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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