I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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