I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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