Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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